Don’t be alarmed, but the movies are trying to kill you. Hollywood has slowly been trying to gag, choke, bloat, degenerate, and tear our bodies apart one new blockbuster at a time. Let’s start with its newest insidious invention, stereoscopic imagining or 3D.

According to an article on msnbc.com titled, Watching Avatar can feel like eating bad mushrooms,  “A 3-D image creates an illusion of depth when the brain fuses two, slightly different 2-D images as they are projected on the movie screen, one perceived by each eye. This is called binocular disparity.”

This binocular disparity can lead to an imbalance or disorientation of one’s vestibular system.

When this system is interrupted, say by the over- exposure to the amount of eye-popping shrooms from the Na’vi’s home planet of Pandora in the movie Avatar (2009), your brain may be tricked into believing it is poisoned. The brain transmits this message to the Vagus nerve, a unique nerve that supplies fibers to the pharynx, larynx, trachea, lungs, heart, esophagus, and intestinal tract. In short, you puke.

Why should Hollywood’s vision for a new cinema cost the local movie consumer a second date with the love of their life because they up-chucked their jujubees 30 minutes into My Bloody Valentine (2009)? I don’t want to be sitting at my theater 10 years from now and have a mandatory sick bag placed in the upholstery of the chair in front of me. These films are also exasperating the already short attention span of the average person, which is somewhere around 10 minutes. This happens when our brain spends more time working out the image than focusing on the story plot.

This all explains my extreme disappointment after watching the remake of Alice in Wonderland (2010). In the original Alice circa 1951 a young girl is sent through a horrifying nightmare anything short of a bad acid trip.

Tim Burton’s adaptation can be summed up like this:

Girl falls in hole, she’s big then small, she runs away from things, she’s big again, runs some more, stops running, kills something, and then heads home to start an exporting business with China.

Oops, spoiler alert.

Then again maybe the ending was a lot more deep then suspected, after all I didn’t have time to think about the ending’s meaning until I got home, I was too worried about my vestibular system acting up. Maybe just maybe Alice starting a business in China is a metaphor of American adults selling their children’s future to China because of our current addiction to consumption causing an extreme amount of debt never before seen…deep.

Stomach pain is just the beginning of the Hollywood beat down on modern cinema goers.

Ever heard of Patellofemoral Syndrome?

Usually caused from being an active healthy person from running, climbing, and jumping the chondromalacia patella in the knee can become stiff causing a vague discomfort. However, this chronic symptom is also known as the “theater sign.”

The prolonged exposure of your knees sitting in a moderately bent position, such as a theater chair, can contribute to the loss of quadriceps muscle strength causing the leg to give out. Chondromalacia patella is the degeneration of cartilage due to poor alignment of the kneecap as it slides over the lower end of the femur.

Hollywood is killing our poor knees trying to squeeze more seats in the average theater, at six-foot-three I don’t stand a chance to withstand the increasingly longer feature films released today. In fact, according to infinitypoint0.com the average length of movies has increased 31 minutes since the 1920s. That is not including the additional 20 minutes of previews.

So if the average viewer sees a 2 ½ hour 3D Hollywood blockbuster with 20 minutes of previews about coming 3D blockbusters they are more susceptible to chronic joint mutilation, eye fatigue, and regurgitation of the 11-cup (a medium) tub of butter popcorn bought at the concession stand. But it’s probably good they spoiled the popcorn because it leads me to the last point I want to make.

For a town that is so obsessed with being skinny, fabulous, and beautiful so much so that plastic surgery is the norm, why would their house for displaying their medium (movies) offer such fatting sweets?

Because Hollywood wants you dead, that’s why!

According to myoptumhealth.com the blogger breaks down a detailed review of movie treats. It states,
•    A large burger with cheese and dressing and a large order of fries have about the same fat and calories as a large bucket of non-buttered popcorn.
•    An average box of candy at the concession stand ranges from 450-750 calories. The worst choices being the bags of bite-size chocolates with gooey fillings.
•    A small soda at a movie theater is the same as a 12-ounce can. It has about 170 calories and 42 grams of sugar (70 grams per large soda).  Here are the facts.

So there you have it.

If you watch too many Hollywood films in theaters you’ll die.

You’ll stand up after 3 hours of brain numbing, vomit inducing filmography and your chondromalacia patella will begin to strain causing your knees to buckle. If you’re in the back row you’ll stumble 20 rows forward end-over-end shattering your bones until you finally stop only to find yourself covered in gunk from viewers vagus nerve sending a message to their brain that they’ve been poisoned leading to an intestine covered aisle of 70 grams of sugary chocolate covered gooey treats.

Death by Hollywood over consumption.