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When you’re making independent, no-budget, DIY cinema, at some point in your cine career you’re going to get hot and sweaty with traditional distributors and a variety of new options online and offline for distributing your media. Let’s face it – you’re gonna get screwed if you don’t know what you’re doing. Luckily for you, I’ve put together a list of Six (I mean, Sex) Cinema Secrets for the budding DIY exhibitionist and Cinema 2.0 adoptees. Or 6 sex positions for filmmakers 😉

Here’s a breakdown on the Best 6 Sex Positions for no-budget auteurs.

6 sex positions

1. Missionary (aka The Old Fashioned Way)

Lie back and think of England (or insert any country you want to and do it the ‘Plain Jane’ way. This involves you on your back while the distributor takes advantage of you and thrusts any old marketing plan, promotional campaign, release strategy or opinion anywhere they want. It can be an ‘enjoyable’ experience – but let’s face it – you’re basically just being f*cked.

2. Doggy-Style aka ‘La Levrette’

Now we’re starting to up the ante a little bit. You can be in charge and have up to two choices of market penetration or distribution. Consider direct downloading to your fans or going over to the dark side and uploading your work for some dirty, dirty torrent action sites to increase your visibility. It’s all about exploring your options here – but the results will be fast and deep worldwide.

6 sex positions

3. Cowboy or Cowgirl

Ye-hah! Ride that distribution experience. A much deeper, more satisfying relationship can be had with your audience when you are in control. Decide for yourself how deep and how far you go as you work in tandem with your fans and growing supporters/influencers. Note: Available in both Boy & Girl flavors – the market doesn’t discriminate or make value judgements.

6 sex positions

4. Scissoring

Highly active one-to-one same interest building. By matching your likes and common goals to your partner(s)’ you can achieve a friction-free goal by applying a little mutual cooperation. No direct downloading is needed here for peer-to-peer engagement. Get local, get active, show the world what you’ve got by visibly and actively working together off and online. Be visible, hard-working and pubic with your likes.

6 sex positions

5. Butterfly

Both you and your audience lie back and slowly and carefully build a relationship of trust and mutual fulfillment. Takes a while to build to subscription level – but it’s well worth it as you both finish spectacularly entwined. This Tantric subscription to a higher ideal allows both to grow together in mutual and long-lasting harmony. Just look at David Bowie – he’s had a secret Tantric network of fans keeping him engaged for years and years and years.

6 sex positions

6. Going Solo

Let’s face it – sometimes you just want to get it over with. You don’t need anybody to get off – and everybody is doing it. Don’t believe me? Check YouTube, Vimeo and the torrent of sites. People have being going solo for years. You don’t have to be ashamed or embarrassed. One of the best ways to achieve immediate gratification is to whip it out to the world and show ’em what you’ve got.

Sure, you’re gonna compare with some of the bigger boys out there (they use marketing money to pump themselves up to maximum size) or complain about the unfair body shaming of the airbrushed and sleek Hollywood models (nobody really looks like that – it’s all bloody Photoshop).

Try it – you’ll like it and see if you don’t achieve immediate results in the form of new fans coming up to enjoy the show. Note: WILL BECOME HABIT FORMING

6 sex positions

So, the Best Sex Cinema Secrets are easy to apply for those cine virgins unprepared for the liberating and forward thinkers already doing it worldwide. Get ‘yer freak on any flavor, any style, any kind and strut your stuff. You got nothing to be ashamed of in wanting a connection worldwide. Believe me, there’s someone RIGHT NOW hot for you.

Here’s a tip sheet to help you be more creative and secure once you decide to divorce the mainstream and go au natural.

Get your sexiest cinema (it can be narrative, non-fiction, experimental or avant-garde) and flaunt it to the world in a nicely colored and well-appointed package. Get big, bold, wet and wild as you proclaim loudly, WHO WANTS TO GET IT ON WITH ME? I’M READY FOR YOU. ARE YOU READY FOR ME??

Pull in an audience by talking, sharing, and screaming at the top of your lungs (it’s okay if everyone hears you) that you’re doing your own great thing and it feels so good. Invite others to join you in the party. It’s Studio 54 all over again (without the social stigma, slut-shaming, drugs and deaths). #NOEXCUSES #FUCKSORRY

Explore your own inner cinema by inviting DIRECT comments, ALL feedback, insights, concerns and ACTIVE participation by your audience as you get up close and personal again and again and again. It’s your cinema, baby. You share it with whomever you want. Don’t let anyone stop you from getting what’s yours.

The Sex Best Cinema Secrets won’t make you go blind or have branded or shamed out of town. You can go all day and night long without any ill effects. Note: For extended online distribution lasting FAR LONGER than terrestrial distribution, you may wish to consult your audience. #sexbestcinemasecrets