If you’ve never been on a film set, you might be surprised to learn that it’s mostly a very boring experience. Sure, the occasional shot requires a great deal of exciting machinery and on-set wizardry that is a joy to behold and take part in, but a lot of time spent shooting a movie is time spent twiddling your thumbs, waiting for other people to finish whatever it is they’re doing. It’s been a long-established military adage that war is ‘long periods of boredom punctured with short periods of terror’, and filmmaking can be described in very similar terms. Here’s what everyone gets up to in their ‘long periods of boredom’:
1) Find out where the tea / coffee / food / sweets come from
This is the vital first step for anyone arriving on a film set. Sugar is important when you’re on your feet 12+ hours a day.
OK team, to get to the canteen first we need to go through the costume department, up to the top of the studio, abseil down the side and then a quick leap across the canal. You fall, you get left behind – no namby-pamby bullshit here.
2) Realise that everyone knows everyone – apart from you
The film industry – especially the independent film industry – is a very small world. On any given set, it is likely that most of the crew will have worked together on numerous projects before.
Forever alone
3) Try too hard to make friends with everyone
You’re about to spend 3 solid weeks in each other’s company. You don’t know it yet, but you’ll be sick of the sight of them by the end of it.
Friends?
4) Bump into a light stand. Feel time slow down as it wobbles.
Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!
5) Drop something and feel you’re going to get fired
This is why you do not touch things that are not your department – even if you’re just trying to help.
6) Make hilarious puns based on the name of the movie / director
This is what we did on the set of our movie, ‘Deadly Virtues: Love.Honour.Obey’, directed by Ate de Jong, who also directed Drop Dead Fred. Look at the tape on the camera.
Hee hee hee ‘Drop Dead Red’
7) Revere / Despise the 1st AD
While a Director being crap at their job means the movie will be crap when it’s finished, a 1st AD being crap at their job means misery for everyone on set for the duration of the shoot. Depending on how good / bad they are, you will wind up trying to kill / adopt them.
The crew had had enough of this 1st. Off with his head (once we’ve wrapped, of course)
8) Make friends with the sound guys
Don’t ask me why, but in my experience sound guys are always the quietest, nicest, most helpful people on-set. Maybe it has something to do with the fact that they spend a lot of time quietly reflecting on sounds only they can hear.
Your friendly local sound man, Nigel Albermaniche. Incomprehensible equipment comes as standard.
9) Fall in love with the actors
Ah, those beautiful, tall, charismatic people that make the fairest of crew members look like semi-human demics. Their perfect smiles, charming manner, statuesque bodies… Like civilised elves visiting a world of orcs.
Look at these pretty, careless, happy assholes
10) Fall out of love with the actors
This one happens quite often, apparently:
ACTOR: Can I have some water?
RUNNER: (Handing the actor a fresh bottle) Sure, here you go.
ACTOR: (Giving the bottle right back) Can you open it for me?
RUNNER: (Screams internally and pictures shoving water bottle through actor’s eyeballs) Yep!
The more films you do, the better your asshole antenna becomes
11) Try to make other crew members laugh during takes
Classic
12) Talk about the wrap party (which isn’t going to be that good)
The truth is that, after a few weeks of 12-hour days (and maybe some night shoots too) all you really want is a mug of Horlicks and your childhood toys back.
13) Freak out when the AD calls ‘Wrap!’
Yeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeees!
14) Sit down and feel like your legs are floating away
Ahhh. Bring me the wine and let me never rise again.
15) Miss it and hope you’ll do it all again soon
Filmmaking is torture. Sweet, fulfilling, creative torture. And we love it.
hehehe….Film
16. Wonder why the hell EVERYONE wears North Face jackets.
ahaha Nigel is always good for a chat!
Wonder if Nigel has Quantum-something-mastery…. he is always there… watching… on almost all jobs..
16. Whatever you do…turn your phone off….lol..
16…..whatever you do….turn your phone OFF….lol…
This list is so true…. and then I saw Nigel and it was like you had a gateway into my mind… GET OUT OF MY BRAIN!! Great list.
Nigel!!!!!!!
Legend.
Oh my God, so damn true!!! hahahahaha!!!
This made me heartedly laugh.
Now i want to get to know Nigel.
Free Meal on me for the person who introduces him to me! 😀
My very first "professional" purchase actually!
But not really.
Only Filmmakers would understand! 😀
Where's the red vines?!?
and beanie caps
North Face did have good Swag! Not that great a movie though. I worked on Beerfest! Now that is a movie! Not very good swag though..
Locating the toilet is one of my major priorities when I reach a location.
So true, specially gaffers, grips and electrical crew.
True… 3 types of sugar (and 5 other sweeteners), 6 types of tea, 3 versions of coffee, 3 variants of milk and a whole range of juices, pops, and lemonades; even on the smallest no budget production.
I always wanted to buy them, but never actually bought them, so mostly I am the only one, who doesn't have it on set. 😀
16) cursing the moment you chose this job
Wonder why lighting techs wear shorts outdoors in midwinter
Locate the nearest spot where I can empty out the animals 😉
All of it is so true globally. Just finished a film, everyone was counting days towards the end, and now cant wait to begin again. Film making is an addiction.
In Cape Town hope you remembered to pack 3 diff layers of clothing for weather changes
and your kit belt has everything except the kitchen sink and then someone will request a kitchen bloody sink !!sigh
Damm So true even here in my country malaysia..
what about taking picture of you with the camera 😛
Sounds a lot like being on tour.
I was wearing north face jackets before they were cool. Before they had stores everywhere like Starbucks…
Wow, It would seem u havent been around much…
Wow, It would seem u havent been around much…
Federico Schellemberg and what exactly makes you come up with that very odd assumption? I moved 46 times in 40 years, lived on 4 continents and in many different countries. So I did get around some. And what the fuck has that to do with the topic? Are you just bored and need to troll, just anyone?
(????!)
well in my case i kinda use Quechua brand =P
indeed … kinda love the torture of film making =D
This was genuinely funny
I have a NF jacket. Got it when no one was wearing them.
Yeah SOUND RULES , period!
So when they try to straddle wide high gaps they don't get their low slung arsenal crack trousers snare their legs
The title is "Things *everyone* does on a film set" so unfortunately "turning your phone off" never qualifies.
After your first 50 films u learn hate everyone becuse everyone hate. U